Toorak Trams and Bernard Bolan
From: skinboy .
Date:

Since there has been mention of this, I couldn't resist, because it's just SO good:
It’s half past five in Flinders Street, there’s tension in the air.
Girls with curls and cultured pearls are tearing at their hair.
Whilst men with charm and outward calm, begin to cuss and damn,
Then with a roar, they push and pour onto the Toorak Tram…..
 
Then it’s right down the middle please, hold on tight.
Get out your money and stop that fight.
For it’s kick and kill and bash and bite,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.
 
Once aboard, the points are scored, by those of nimble feet.
A three yard dash and a dive and “crash”, you’ve won yourself a seat.
Now quickly take your paper out and study ev’ry word,
Don’t lift your face or you’ve lost your place to an ancient, crippled bird…..
 
And it’s right down the middle please, hold on tight.
Get out your money and stop that fight.
For it’s maim and murder, smash and smite,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.
 
Seems to be it’s always me whose fate it is to meet.
Someone whose behind requires three quarters of the seat.
With muscles clenched I hover there, determined not to fall
My time will come, I’ll twitch my bum and knock him through the wall…..
 
And it’s right down the middle please, hold on tight.
Get out your money and stop that fight.
It’s a four mile ride and a ten round fight,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.
 
For those who cannot get a seat and have to stand instead.
We’ll stop the tram at Chapel Street and carry out the dead.
And here is an announcement: “Please! Be careful where you stand”!
Last time we stop the driver dropped his artificial hand…….
 
Then it’s right down the middle please, hold on tight.
Get out your money and stop that fight.
It’s abide with me ye kindly light,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.
 
One more bend and that’s the end, a merciful relief.
Time to re-arrange your clothes and try to find your teeth.
Don’t forget your brolly and be sure to wink your eye,
When pushing past that little lass that works at ACI……….
 
And it’s right down the middle please, hold on tight.
Get out your money and stop that fight.
For it’s winking and thinking that perhaps she might,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.
 
Winking and thinking that perhaps she might,
On a Toorak tram on a Friday night.